


All the ways I'll never fit

by Kyriadamorte



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Body Dysphoria, F/F, Female Kylo Ren, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 23:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13669938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyriadamorte/pseuds/Kyriadamorte
Summary: Kylo Ren has never felt at home in her body.A contribution to Femslash February





	All the ways I'll never fit

By the time she is nine years old, Brehna Organa is the same height as her mother.By the time she’s fifteen, she’s taller than her father. 

 

She knows her mother had planned on giving her all of her older dresses, as well as those that they had managed to salvage from her grandmother's collection, but that plan is abandoned before it really even begins.When she's eleven, she is already too tall for the dress she's trying on, but she wants to wear it at least once before it becomes _actually_ ridiculous.Her broad shoulders tear through Nubian silk before she can finish fastening the buttons up the back and she rips the garment off in a storm of shame and frustration.

 

Her mother offers to bring a seamstress in to make adjustments.Brehna gives her a _look_ before slamming the door to her room in her face.

 

Leia doesn't make the offer again.

 

~

 

Leia Organa is shorter than pretty much anyone she interacts with, but she always manages to stand tall in a way that makes her tower over the very people who stand head and shoulders above her.

 

Brehna, on the other hand, constantly curls in on herself, chin down, shoulders slumped, but it's never enough, there are always eyes on her, no matter how small she tries to make herself.

 

_Awkward, gangly, graceless and bumbling._

 

They don't say it, of course, would never say it to Leia Organa and Han Solo's daughter, would never say it about the niece of the mighty Luke Skywalker.Their minds, however, have no such compunctions.

 

"Ah, don't worry, kid," her father says with a slap to her spine. "Chewie will always be there to be taller than you."

 

She doesn't know how to tell him that that isn't as comforting a sentiment as he seems to think it is.

 

~

 

When Kylo Ren joins the First Order, everything is different.

 

It takes less than two days for Kylo to decide to have a mask fashioned for herself.

 

The head of the military forces, a pale little weasel by the name of Hux, takes one look at her before letting his features settle into a into a smug, leering sneer.She's still one flayed nerve from her uncle's betrayal and she's ready to behead the stupid bastard when three of Snoke's Praetorian Guards block her path.She's still fuming and snarls at him, but, to her horror, big, angry tears make their way down her cheeks.

 

(Another fucking habit she cannot seem to break.)

 

He laughs and that only makes it worse.For the first time in her life, Kylo feels too small and she finds that she hates it just as much.

 

With her mask in place, though, she intentionally throws her shoulders back as she stalks the hallways.She's spent enough time trying to be something less than what she is.

 

~

 

After her first fight with the girl Rey, Kylo lies bleeding in the snow, cut down from her prowling height by this tiny wisp of a scavenger.Fierce and free and, yes, there's darkness in her, but so much light as well.She's flailing and untrained, but sure of herself in ways Kylo never has been.

 

Kylo doesn't know if she wants to fuck her or _be_ her.

 

~

 

When she kills Snoke and they come together to fight, her body sings in a way it never has.Rey feels like an extension of herself, kicking out as Kylo pushes back, dodging as Kylo swings, blocking as Kylo turns.It's like they're dancing and it's _glorious_ \- certainly better than any of the actual dancing Kylo has ever done in her life.

 

For the first time, Kylo ( _Brehna_ ) feels at home in her own body.

 

~

 

Of course, it all has to go to shit.

 

~

 

They still appear to each other, sometimes, for all that Kylo had half expected this wonderous connection to disappear with Snoke's death.

 

(She hates that she continues to give Snoke more power than he deserves.)

 

Tonight, Rey is curled up opposite her, small and sleep-mussed.

 

She reaches out to touch her face, but stops before she makes contact.Her hand feels so huge and she has this irrational fear that she'll break her, clumsy creature that she is.She feels Rey's breath against her wrist and closes her eyes against the longing agony of it.

 

It's why she's not expecting it when Rey's smaller hand reaches out and grasps her own.The heady shock has Kylo gasping as her eyes fly wide open.

 

"Rey," she breathes into the silence.

 

"Shh," Rey shushes, still mostly asleep. 

 

Kylo obeys, clutching the hand that fits perfectly in her own.She feels almost right again and it's _wonderful._

 

Until she wakes up.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was not written to be trans!Kylo or deal with gender dysphoria, HOWEVER, if you chose to read it that way, that is a totally valid interpretation. It was written more from my own experiences with discomfort over my size (weight not height, but whatever), but I believe it's vague enough that other interpretations are definitely possible; feel free to chose the one that works best for you.


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